what are you saying?

Today, or since midnight last night, was the release of JK Rowlings “The Tales of Beadle the Bard”. There was a big ‘thing’ on in London (ENGLAND) where the books were officially released. There were weirdo’s dressed up as Harry and Hermione and there was even a Hagrid and a Dumbledore. It actually looked like a decent event for the kids.

One grown woman however (who I would say looked about 40) was given the first ever copy of the book. I think she was dressed as Neville Longbottoms Gran because she had a hat with something hanging from it - that I took to be a bird. She was all excited and happy etc. It was touching, really touching. She was German though.

Then there was a dumpy looking girl who was excited and possibly dressed as Hermione (although I could be wrong) and kept referring to JK Rowling’s books as the “Hairy Podder” series. She was American.

Now, I get that people all over the globe love the books, I love them too, but why at a London gig would you interview the only American and the only German people there when you were surrounded by English people?

Why on earth was a child not given the first book? It would have made their day, their entire childhood in fact.

Any why on Gods green earth was that dumpy American thing referring to Harry Potter as “Hairy Podder”? How on earth do these people get through their days if their words all sound the same - because they’re mispronounced?

It narks me!

I. can’t. help. myself.

It’s almost Christmas now and of course it’s Thanksgiving for the fried chicken eaters and it’s the time of year when we shop the most.

Now, I enjoy shopping for other people because I like to get it right. I like to know I’ve bought someone a great present that they’ll like.

The problem is, I have this underlying issue with everything being fair.

So, it’s only fair that I bought myself these whilst shopping for other people…

and in real life…

and then…

and in real life…

(guess who couldn’t be arsed to take this again WITH a flash?)

“Inspired by PANTONE Colour charts, this bone china mug is glazed with a pattern resembling the iconic PANTONE Colour Chip. Orange 021 C.” - only another geek would ‘get’ this and love it as much as I do.

Tell me you love them?

Intolerable & Irritable

It appears that I’ve become intolerable and irritable - pretty much all of the time.

I’ve not been posting half as much as I used to and that’s because I’m irritable. Everything that I’ve considered posting lately has been a rant or a moan about things that annoy me, and I personally HATE reading depressing posts, especially when it’s the same person moaning all the time. Thus, I have realised that perhaps it’s not everyone else that’s irritating, I’m just intolerable and irritable.

For instance;

At work, I have become short tempered, ratty and impatient because I have been unable to cope with other people and things not being ‘just so’. I am sure beyond doubt that the things that irritate me must irritate other people too but to be constantly stressed about the irritating things can’t be right, can it?!

I narrowed it down to 3 things though. Colleagues, Rules, Customers. They are the 3 things that annoy me the most. For those who don’t see the problem with that, those 3 things that wind me up the most are the 3 fundamental things that makes my career.

I obviously have to work with people no matter how stupid I think they are, I of course have to deal with the shitty customers because without them I wouldn’t be needed and clearly I have to stick to the rules working where I work or it would be bandied about that I was bringing the department into disrepute. Pfft. Apparently that’s the translation when you give a bad impression of the place… and the staff.

The colleagues particularly irritate me. I sat this morning during yet another pointless meeting wondering about how our brains work, wondering if each person has a different speed at which their brain works. I watched as people spoke up about things that they weren’t happy with and how others just sat there looking puzzled, not quite understanding what was going on around them.

I wondered if it had dawned on them what the ‘boss’ had just said and then after the meeting I realised that only a handful of the fifty-odd people there had understood what was going on and processed it all.

We were told about what the future might bring for our office/department/teams and only myself and five or six people understood the good news. The rest sat there and then after the meeting they ranted about how the subject that they’d misunderstood wasn’t covered. I was beyond annoyed. How on earth did these seemingly educated people, who are entrusted with important work and who benefit from a brilliant pension and great wages NOT understand exactly what the man had just said? I couldn’t quite understand that.

Then there’s the office swamp thing who has taken it upon herself to cease all bathing and hygiene maintenance from now on. She also lies a lot now. She’s been coming to our desks lately, asking if we know where files are. We usually check the database, read the notes (which she could do, but doesn’t) and then we tell her exactly where the cases can be found. The following day, she will email the entire office with a ‘STOP & SEARCH’ for the files that we have located but she’s been too lazy to fucking fetch.

Now, ‘STOP & SEARCH’ usually means that there’s an important files missing and we need it urgently. Perhaps it could be a terminally ill customers file or a customer who is in difficulty and whom we need to sort quickly. The idea is that if someone in the office has taken a call and used the file, they will be able to locate it on their desks.

Those that she can’t be arsed to look for though aren’t important but still the entire office stops what they’re doing, ignores the phones and everyone searches for a file that we know is sat in a cupboard.

Yesterday she sent an email out asking for 2 files that my colleague tracked down the day before. NB, after overhearing this conversation between my colleague and Swamp Thing, I went to check and sure enough the files were there.

When Swamp Thing sent out the ‘STOP & SEARCH’ email yesterday, I immediately sent out a follow up telling them all to disregard the previous email as the files were found, but most folk were already up and looking. I then have to shout and tell them all how wank and lazy our ‘bitch’ is and to carry on with their work as the files are now found. It’s a waste of energy but is necessary to stop people wasting their time too.

So, I went to where I knew the files were, pulled them out and walked round to Swamp Things desk and dropped them in front of her. I won’t lie, I can’t even bring myself to be polite any more. She looked up and asks where I “found” them. I told her that they were where my colleague had told her to look the previous day and she came out with her usual line “They weren’t there when I looked earlier/yesterday”. Normally I will retort with a bitchy comment and walk away. Instead I told her what I’d done, that I’d checked the day before. I told her that she was telling lies and being lazy and then I stood for about a minute waiting for another lie. Nothing came though, she didn’t even react.

Surely this would irritate other people too?

This is what I mean, I can’t bite my tongue, I can’t not get annoyed with this kind of behaviour.

Then there’s Facebook. Yes, again. I know. I’ve been invited to no less than 15 different groups either in memory of or to support a child that was tortured in the UK and then died. The child’s mother, step-father and a man who lived with them have all been arrested and charged with various crimes relating to the infants death. Now, I’m as disgusted as everyone else with how this was allowed to happen and how the various departments didn’t do their jobs correctly, BUT I refuse to join a ‘gang’ of feral youths and uneducated tossers on Facebook who think that their efforts will get them anywhere. It makes me sick to be constantly reminded of what happened to this poor child. To then waste my time slagging off those who let him down doesn’t appeal to me at all.

There was one group who are demanding that they get the death penalty for their crimes. Now, perhaps I am the only person in this country who is aware, but capital punishment was abolished in England in 1998… and for good reason. There were far too many people being murdered by the state because they were too poor or uneducated to successfully defend themselves. But yes, let’s make a group or a petition and have ourselves heard by… well… each other - and get absolutely NOTHING done. Please!!!

So, that in mind, why do so many of my friends want me to join this farce and make a fool of myself? Why would the invite me to such a ridiculous waste of time and who are the silly people who are making these groups? I suggest that Facebook bring in an exam to filter out the stupid - which with a bit of luck will rid us also of the apparent morons who are unable to speak English and instead insist on talking in ‘txt’ which in turn takes me an extra 14 minutes to read and understand their stupidity. Woh kcis dluow uoy teg gniyrt ot daer siht tihs sdrawkcab?? (read the words backwards). That’s just how annoying I find it.

I can understand how people go missing and are never seen again, I really can. They pack up their shit, disappear and spend their lives not being irritated by morons, not be invited to join spastics on Facebook and enjoying their time on this planet.

Before you point this out, I am fully aware that I’m turning into a sad old spinsters who moans about everything and is never happy. That’s not quite right though, I am happy sometimes and just irritated most of the time. I await the cats and the rocking chair.

Good day.

Funky Fresh Dressed to Impress Ready to Party

The Office Swamp thing came into work on Friday all dressed up. She had the usual scabby black trouser-come-ski-pants on and then from what I could see she had some weird shiny shoes on and a gold/cream shiny top with flowers. It looked a bit oriental to be honest but obviously I wasn’t going to investigate.

My colleague however against whom I will be seeking revenge, came swaggering down the office and entered into this conversation beside my desk…

• Colleague: Ooooh Swamp Thing, you’re looking rather dressed up for a Friday
• Swamp Thing: You should see what’s underneath (at which point I was sick in my mouth)
• Colleague: Really?? (half laughing)
• Swamp Thing then began unbuttoning her blouse to reveal a tight red top with gold bits going down the front - showing a big toothless grin… actually she does have teeth, they’re her mothers… so it was more a gummy grin
• Colleague: Wow, very nice. Are you going out somewhere nice?
• Swamp Thing: Yes. I’m looking forward to finishing today.
• Colleague: Really? Where are you going?
• Swamp Thing: I don’t know. It’s a surprise.
• Colleague: Hot date? (looking slightly disbelieving)
• Swamp Thing: Yes, my ex husband always takes me out for a KFC fancy meal near the time of the kids’ birthdays. It’s a thank you for working hard to drag bring them up.
• Colleague: Ooh. Sounds nice. It looks like a dirty weekend for you then eh?! (heaving a little)
• Swamp Thing: Well, you’ll know I’ve had a wink*DIRTY*wink weekend if I’m not in Monday…

At that point my colleague walked away looking slightly worse for wear. And today…

…NO. OFFICE. SWAMP. THING.

Computer says no

I know it’s been ages since I posted and I’m sorry but I’ve been debating with myself… erm… a load of daft stuff and it’s left me no time for the web. I’ll probably get to that another day.

I just arrived at work and straight away had the most frustrating conversation with a colleague about an email address. It all started with my saying “morning” as I crawled to my desk. She instantly went into a full blown rant about losing her and her husbands email addresses. Clearly because I am the IT geek here, she assumed I would care or at least have an answer for her.

I faked intrerest between reading the news and checking my emails but she didn’t take the hint and just kept talking. I finally accepted that she actually wanted my input and so I put down the coffee and turned to face her.

Apparently she and her husband are moving houses soon and they rang their internet provider to ask about their account and how they stand with moving houses etc and transferring their account to their new address. She seems to think that her Internet Provider will take their email address away from them if they move. So now she’s thinking about pulling out of the move.

I did the obvious and asked who her Internet Provider was and who her email client was and it turns out that her email client is hotmail. I went down the route of explaining that you can use your email address from any computer and therefore your hotmail account would remain as normal no matter where you lived.

But no, she insisted that they are going to lose it and therefore her husband would lose business when they move. She said she argued with her internet provider (can you imagine the way that went?!) but to no avail and now they’re hurriedly setting up a load of new accounts with hotmail for when they move.

I tried speaking slowly and explaining that perhaps if it had been an email address with her provider then I could vaguely see where the confusion is but with her email provider being hotmail it wouldn’t matter if her house burnt down, her PC exploded and her entire family move to Iran - they would still have access to the email address.

She didn’t get it and at 07.13 on a Monday morning it’s far too early to be this stressed about my colleages stupidity.

Old people shouldn’t be allowed access to the world wide web. It’s evidently just too complicated for their frail minds.

That is all.

…except to say that I will be updating later with a few posts. Check back then.